Mine. (By: Alexxa Lewandowski)

o… no, no, no. I trusted him. How dare he? Eight years, I gave him eight years of my life.

“Mommy!” Ken called to me.

I have been locked up in my room for a hour now, I need to leave this room. But I can't get up. I don't know if I can do this. The bills, the house, my son, I don't know if I can do this by myself.

“Mommy.” He called to me again. “I'm hungry” he knocked on the door.

My poor boy just four years old, how will I tell him? “Mommy.”

“I'm coming baby” I said back. I wiped the tears from my face and opened the door of my bedroom to see my son looking at me.

“What's wrong mommy?” He asked.

“Nothing,” I tried to smile. “What does my handsome boy want to eat for dinner?” I picked him up and walked into the kitchen.

“Can I have a bologna and cheese sandwich?”

“Of course you can” I sat him down at the table and made his dinner. When I returned a minute later with his sandwich he took a big bite.

“Did daddy go to work mommy?”

He was already asking, what do I tell him? Jason had just walked out the door about two hours ago with whatever he could fit into his car. He had left me to go to her, the girl with the same name as me but my complete opposite. She is a girly girl and sociable and I'm an introvert who doesn’t care about looks. He had been talking to her for months now, always texting her, and he said she was just a friend and I believed him. I never thought this would happen. I tried and I begged for him to stay, to let us try to fix this, but he had no interest. He tried to say he hadn't felt love from me in months, but if this feeling of emptiness isn't love than I don’t know what is.

"Mommy?" Ken looked at me. My sweet boy, he had finished eating while I was thinking.

"No honey, daddy didn’t go to work." I said

"Where did he go?" He asked.

I don’t know how to answer. "Come on sweetie, lets go watch a movie before bed."

"Ok mommy".

He picked out 'How to train your Dragon' and we laid down to sleep. He passed out soon after the movie started.

My phone beeped, a text from my sister I’m here if you need anything.

My eyes started to water again. When Jason and I were fighting I had walked out of the house to go to my sisters. I told her what had happened and she had told our mom who was at work. My sister is eight years younger than me at age nineteen. I never really had a relationship with her because Jason didn’t like her around. Maybe I can now.

Ill have to adjust now. He left me so he could go have sex with another girl. I will not take him back. I won’t take him back. I won’t… I feel asleep repeating that to myself.

I woke up that morning and I could feel the puffiness of my eyes, and my stomach was full of anxious knots, thankful that I didn’t have work today. I could spend the day at home with my son.

Ken was still asleep on the couch when I heard a knock at the door. Is it him?

“Emma, are you up yet?” It was my mom’s voice.

I unlocked the front door and let her in. I was greeted with a warm hug.

“I’m sorry honey” She said. “It’ll be ok.”

“He left me mom.” The tears poured down my face.

“I know sweetie, I know.”

We sat down on the couch and I told her everything that had happened the night before. When I finished talking she had turned to look at Ken who was still fast asleep on the couch.

“I think we should go downtown honey” She said. “You have so many bills to pay for the house and Ken and it’s going to be difficult now without him.” She sighed,

I looked at her, “No I told him I didn’t want anything from him”.

“Honey, he didn’t only leave you, he left Ken to.”

That hit me. I hadn’t thought about it that way. I know ken would have enough love from me and my family but I didn’t think about it that way. He left Ken. He left our son. That made me mad.

“Ok” I said, and I started to get ready.

Me and my mom walked out of the courthouse at about 12:30. All of the papers had been filed for soul custody and child support. The lawyer said there should be no doubt that I will get custody and the child support.

A weight off of my chest, but I still had this weird feeling in my stomach of anxiety. “Ken is mine” I said with a sigh of relief.

“Ken is yours honey” My mother gave me a half hug and rubbed my back. “Lets go home” She smiled. I gave Ken in my arms a hug and kiss on his forehead.

We got on the train heading back home. I pulled out my phone to see if I got any texts. There was a text. It was from Jason asking if he could take Ken to school on Monday.

I called the lawyer and asked her how I respond. “Don’t respond.” She told me. “Anything you say can cause stress and it will be easier to just not reply, less to discuss at the court hearing.” I thanked her and hung up. My mom had been looking at me, wondering what was going on so I showed her the text.

“She’s right, ignore him.”  I agreed. Ken is mine. I have nothing to worry about.

When we got home about twenty minutes later there was a grey ford escape in front of the house. That was Jason’s car, and he was in it.

I passed Ken to my mom, “Take him in the house mom”

She looked at Jason for a second then looked at me, “Just call my name if you need me.” She said and walked into the house.

Jason got out of his car and walked over to me till there was roughly four feet between us. “You’re not going to let me see my son?” He asked, there was anger in his voice but I could see that he looked guilty. It had hit him. But he wasn’t guilty about leaving me, he was guilty about leaving Ken.

“You left him, you left us. I am not going to let you see him and then leave again.” I said. It was hard to say it. It made it almost more real.

“He is my son and you can’t keep him away from me.” He said.

“It is your own fault for leaving, now go back to Emma. I’m sure you both have a lot of “Business” you need to get done.” I started walking toward the porch steps, the anxiety in my stomach was in full blast and I felt like I was going to throw up if I kept looking at him.

“You can’t keep him away from me Emma, you know it. He needs his father, he needs a male figure in his life and as manly as you are you won’t be good enough.” He had a smile on his face.

That stopped me in my tracks. I may not care about looks and be girly but I am not a man. “I am more of a man than you are, I didn’t leave my family for a tramp.” I said and walked into the house and locked the doors. Hopefully he would get the hint and leave.

He didn’t, because a second later my phone started vibrating in my pocket and it was him. I ignored it but he didn’t get the idea. He kept calling me non-stop for at least a half hour. I turned my phone to silent so I couldn’t feel it. My mom had since left and gone to work and I made ken lunch and helped him with his homework and it was about three o’clock when I looked at my phone again. I had 58 missed calls and one text, all from Jason.  I won’t let him go, there is nothing you can do to keep me away from my son.

My stomach that was still fluttering had a rush of nerves again and I had to rush to the bathroom to throw up, then my heart stopped. Oh my god, I thought. I called my sister to ask if she could come over to watch Ken for a few minutes while I ran to the store.

I drove to the local supermarket and I had to stop on the side of the road once to throw up again. I went in the store knowing exactly what to buy and I went through the self-checkout and headed to the bathroom.

Ten minutes later I sit there, still staring at the pregnancy test in my hands. It’s positive. I’m pregnant.

I returned home after and I thanked my sister for coming over.

“Is everything ok? Do you want to talk about anything?” She asked.

I couldn’t tell her I was pregnant, I didn’t want it to be real. I thought about the text from Jason again, there is nothing you can do to keep me away from my son. If he found out that I was pregnant again, what would he do? “No, but thank you.” I gave my sister a hug, and she headed back home.

Worry flashed through my system again. I can’t be pregnant again, I and worried enough about supporting Ken by myself, I can’t support two. I can’t do this by myself, and there is too much to ask for help. I can’t burden people like that. I can’t have another baby. I looked at my phone to see what time it was and there was another text, sent five minutes ago from Jason, I am coming to get my son, now. No! I quickly got Ken into his shoes and coat and put him into his car seat.

“Where are we going mommy?” He asked.

“We are just going for a drive” I said.

“Can we go to the beach?”

The beach, “Ok baby.” I finished buckling him into the car seat and my nerves were so high that I had to go behind the car to throw up again, it was horrible. I got into the car and looked at Ken in the back seat. My poor baby, my son, nobody can take him away from me.

Ken and I stood on the rocks by the water. I held him in my arms trying to keep him warm from the fierce wind blowing in this cold march. Ken was giggling like crazy. The waves were hitting the rocks and occasionally the spray would splash us.

I smiled at my son. Always so happy, always so loving, never saw anything bad in the world.

“Woah! Mommy look at that!” He grabbed my chin and turned my head so I could see the waves crashing into the rocks in front of us.

“That’s cool, huh?” I smiled and laughed with my son.

My phone vibrated again and I checked it, it was Jason, Where are you? Don’t do anything stupid Emma. I am taking Ken, he needs his father.

Don’t do anything stupid? He is the one who left! I looked at my son, still smiling. That smile that melted my heart and always made my day. That smile is my reason for living. Nobody is going to take that smile away from me.

“Ken. You’re mommy’s baby right?” I asked.

“Yes, mommy” He wrapped his little arms around my neck and gave me a hug.

I choked the tears that were threatening to come down. “You want to stay with mommy forever don’t you?” I asked.

He nodded, “Mhm, I love mommy” He kissed my cheek and gave me a big smile.

I felt my phone vibrating again, I didn’t answer it, I knew it was Jason. “Good, mommy loves Ken to.” I kissed his forehead.

I stepped closer to the edge looked down at the rocks again. Nobody can take my son from me.

“Close your eyes sweetie” I said, he did and I kissed his nose. He gave me that smile. I tucked his head into my neck and I held him there. My boy, my baby, my son.

My son.

My son.

My son… I jumped.